It’s all pointless… in a wholesome way?

Yesterday I had the most wholesome encounter. I was queuing to sign up for my reading pass at The British Library (I’m really branching out on the WFH locations) which means I can use any of the eleven reading rooms (for free!!) here which is pretty cool. Most people, I assume, come here to actually read the books while studying, or contributing a seriously intellectual editorial piece on 1700’s literature to a high brow publication. But not I, I have come for the quiet, the change in scenery and the ultimate push to make my afternoons a little more interesting as I continue this part time work life. Anyway, back to my wholesome encounter, I had pre-registered for the reading pass because I love rules and so arrived at the holding room, so to speak, where I was called over by a man, I’m going to say in his 50’s, to finish the registration process. He needed to take a picture of me for my pass, and out of nowhere he turned the next 60 seconds into a photoshoot. He was shouting ‘smile!’ and ‘yes, POSE!’ in a very quiet room in front of some very serious people. I felt genuinely embarrassed but also loved every second of it. People are actually really, really great?

Well it’s been a minute. I feel as though I’ve been in a bit of a blur the last couple of weeks as I try to figure out my next moves in life. No surprise I haven’t figured that out yet. I did come to the conclusion that I really really REALLY want to try and push my writing. Jess gave me some top tips, and on the back of that I’ve basically been hounding people at publications to let me write for them for free. To no avail so far, but I want to be as proactive as I can. I’ve signed up to a freelance newsletter which basically tells you where to email pitches, so I’m going to keep trying that. I’m also aware that I don’t really have any editorial experience but got to shoot your shot. I’ve read so many articles on how to go freelance, and most of the advice is start small, be proactive and expect rejection. Humbling. Writing this blog has opened up this little part of me and even if I could just make a tincy bit of money from it on the side, well that’d be lovely.

I had a pretty rough anxiety spiral last week, it felt very much like OCD, which would make sense as I seem to have this tendency to really fixate on something. Not in like a turn the tap off three times kind of way, but more in like I’ll have this thought: ‘Am I satisfied in life?’ and then I think about that all day every day for three days trying to land on an answer until I feel like I’ve gone a bit mental. Fun, right?  Naturally, I don’t land on an answer as that’s a pretty nuanced question but the obsessive part is feeling like I have to have a solid answer. Perhaps that’s linked to control. With the help of some very supportive friends, I’ve decided that I should look into some CBT to give me some tools to deal with those spirals. I’m not sure ruminating even more in therapy is the answer.

Anyway folks, it’s not all been bad. I’ll give you some of the highlights. It was Purav’s birthday a few weeks back and he’d planned to go to a boiler room (the boiler room?) set? (WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?) at Ministry of Sound after the pub in Camberwell. I hadn’t really met any of his friends, so this was the moment that I got to make a great first impression. After voice noting Gabbi to confirm that wearing Birkenstocks to MOS (lingo) was acceptable (she said yes, but the reaction from Purav’s brother says otherwise. To be fair my feet did feel very vulnerable in there) I was on my way. It was so much fun, a couple of highlights include Purav’s cousin spilling a bottle of coke over the table and it landing on only me in my linen cream skirt. I think it speaks volumes to my personality that I bought a spare pair of jeans with me. Also taking half a pill with Purav, his brother and his brother’s wife felt incredibly wholesome. I hadn’t done that in a long time, and it felt great, and pretty liberating actually. The music was pretty wild, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss lyrics guys.

Queer salsa is bringing me SUCH joy! It’s honestly become the highlight of my week, and I’m proud to say that in two weeks I’ll be joining the improvers class. We’ve got into the habit of meeting at the pub at 7 every Tuesday for a pre-salsa pint and we’re all just so chuffed that we’ve got a fully-fledged hobby. Next Friday we’ve organised a big fat gay night out basically in the hopes that we can practise our salsa in The Glory. I was originally a leader in this course, but I changed positions (verse) because I’m more comfortable being really petite, cute and femme and I low key love getting thrown about. AREEBA.

In other news, I met some of Purav’s family for the first time on the weekend. A particular stand out moment was when we were all standing outside and one of his cousins was explaining that he’d recently smoked a joint for the first time in ages and he “had this thought for the first time. We are just floating on a moving rock.” Everyone looked pretty stunned. We all laughed and Purav said “Lily thinks like that all day everyday”. Everybody genuinely looked like they felt really, really, sorry for me. I don’t blame them. Imagine being 45 and only just realising that? I guess I kind of envy that. I’m acutely aware of how pointless life is every day!

Ironically, I don’t even mean that in a depressing way.

Anyway, this has been fun. Well, for me anyway. I’ve been sitting in this little café in Deptford for a couple of hours and “It’s the imperfections that make people fall in love with you, mate” are the words I just heard one young guy say to another young guy sat next to me. I’m both cringed out and filled with squishy feelings. I’m going to head home shortly and make a salad for dinner because I’m not even joking I’ve basically only eaten bread (my feelings) for the last week and I’m feeling pretty doughy.

Until next time,

Lily xx