Well guys, it’s been a hell of a few weeks. Actually, it’s been a hell of a year.
The end.
No but seriously, it’s been an absolute rollercoaster and I am ready to get OFF. In my self I’m actually feeling ok, I’d even go as far to say centred. Centred with a cute touch of neurosis and a low-level feeling of constant crippling anxiety but centred none the less. I’ve forgotten how rough heartbreak is, I feel in many ways like I’ve been grieving something, which is of course complex, and I don’t think I want to get too much into it (AS IF!), but the sadness lingers, and I can’t shake the really shitty feeling of loss. I’d forgotten after all these years how physical the pain is, quite literally heart ACHE. I could write so much about what I’ve lost and what I’ll miss and all the joy and pain that came with falling in love again (literal lump in my throat as I type this), and how it’s been a reminder that it really is one of the best feelings in the world, alongside the first bite of a big tasty (with bacon).
So I’m feeling pretty fragile in my heart. On reflection, I think it’s safe to say that being in love is pretty wonderful, but when it ends its aches in places I didn’t know could ache. It’s kind of what I imagine an exorcism to be like, minus the priest. A total kind of body and mind overhaul, an un-scooping of your insides until your left only with what feels like an empty ice cream tub of a body, with nothing but the dregs of the ice cream left. Not sure why I’m on the ice cream analogies right now, probably because I used the word scooping. But it does feel like that, empty but full of pain basically? It’s kind of horrid, I’ve been asking myself why we all put ourselves through this god forsaken process for it to end and crush our fragile little hearts. But as somebody wonderful once told me, “It’s the only constant through time”, and it’s true, I guess it’s one of the only things most of us want, and on some level need. Human connection is the thing that binds us all together, and I suppose falling in love is like the ultimate version of that. In love we are often lighter (unless you have relationship anxiety and are weighed down by the doubts xx) and we feel a sense of weight lifted as we have somebody to share the burdens of life with, things feel a little more romantic and just generally brighter. I don’t think that’s to say life isn’t bright as a single person (so I’ve been telling myself in the mirror most mornings), but I also feel like it’s ok to say that being in love can absolutely elevate the human experience, not all of it, but some of it. Life can be a lonely experience, and coming home to somebody with open arms and legs (😉 ) can feels one of life’s greatest joys. And it’s free!!!! I think we would all probably agree with that.
Fuck, I’ll really miss it.
I’ve been reflecting on how for the last few months I’ve really felt as if I’ve had a seat at the adults table by being in a relationship. I’ll just be honest and admit I’ve felt a little smug being with someone, there’s date nights and dinners, and concerts, and double dates, and constant texting and checking in, and having a plus one. The wonderful feeling of being with friends/family AND a partner, like all the best things in your life smushed together in a big ball of lushness. The unwavering feeling of comfort knowing that at the end of the night, you have someone to come home to, to unpack the evening with, to laugh at that weird thing someone said, and be baffled together by that odd comment. To call it quits early because, why not? Joy will follow you all the way home. Such smugness, SO BLOODY LOVELY! I think in many ways I felt like a real grown up, like in some ways I had the thing everybody is looking for, which when I rationalise isn’t really the case, but there’s a feeling of ‘I’ve got it’, which I didn’t see for myself to be honest. I harp on regularly about the woes of monogamous relationships and how life is so full of other things aside from meeting someone, and how I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship, or get married, or have children. Some of that is definitely true, I don’t know if I want marriage or kids, or how I’d feel about monogamy a few years in, but I think realistically some of that is a desire for the radical and different, and a fear of investing your life into someone and it ending. But, amidst all of that, it’s undeniable… being with somebody is great. So who knows folks? For now, I am leaning into the pits of despair, I’ve wallowed more than I ever have. When usually I’d try to start a new hobby like origami and tell everybody about it, I’m really trying to ride the waves of sadness. It pops up randomly, when I haven’t thought about it for a few hours, when I’m travelling home from seeing friends, a good sunset (fucking spoiled for the foreseeable), when I hear certain songs (e.g anything Christmassy which is brilliant at the moment), or when I’m scrolling for hours through old photos……………….. kidding?
In lovelier news, I’ve never felt the love so much from family and friends. I feel so incredibly lucky to have people around me that are ready to scoop (there I go again?) me up at the drop of a hat. For the first five days I laid on Mum’s sofa, silent, vaping (ffs) and not eating. Mum told me I looked ‘fragile’ which I won’t lie, I totally took as a compliment which is really problematic, but I’ve got enough on my fucking plate. People are checking in, and keeping me busy, and I don’t feel rushed to get over it, in fact I’m reminded of how there’s no time limit and everybody understands how painful it is. So that’s kind of lovely I guess.
I had a pretty beautiful afternoon today, kind of felt like I was in a Christmas movie. I finished work and took myself over to Greenwich, got myself a hot chocolate from Gails and wandered to the park. Within minutes I stumbled across a group of about 20 kids, all holding candles and singing carols with all their families watching. It was so lovely, and one of those ‘THIS OL’ THING CALLED LIFE AY’ moments. You know the ones. I walked to the observatory, had a gawk at possibly one of the best views of London and then meandered home with Haim in my ears, feeling quite full. It’s moments like this when I suddenly feel quite strong and ready to face it all head on. I’m grateful that I can appreciate the little things, even in my dark times.
Got to share a Mary Oliver poem I read and blubbed at:
To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.
FUCK ME.
Like I said, hell of a few weeks. I’ve still not been able to listen to sad music, or watch anything romantic, but I’m feeling profoundly grateful to have fallen in love again, and that I was able to let myself fall. And also, that somebody loved me so much, what a fucking gorgeous feeling. How lucky am I? I’d also like to shout out to myself, because through it all, I’ve always got me, and I am really grateful for that. It’s me and me baby!
Until next time,
Lily
P.S. I don’t really have many photos to upload because most of them are just screenshots of quotes about heartbreak. The fucking algorithm.
Lily Smith 
This post is unreal. So beautiful, and true. Love you!
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