Home

A Mcdonald’s moment

The other day I sat in the upstairs of Greenwich McDonalds and ate a big mac meal on my own. I felt both incredibly pathetic, and entirely empowered. Quite the combo. I’d just taken myself to see Barbie and mid way through, just when Margot was in the midst of her existential crisis I had a sudden urge for the golden arches. It dawned on me that I am able to do that, go and sit on my own and eat a McDonald’s. I felt both like an adult and a child, a child because I’d just sat for two hours slurping on a Pepsi max (£4!!!!!) and stuffing my face with cherry sweets, but also an adult because I had the freedom to go and take myself out for lunch if I so wished. Ok, so to call it lunch is pushing it maybe. Somewhere on my sunny walk home, I realised that I wanted to write that down. Not a particularly exciting moment in my life, but I wanted to write it anyway, perhaps because it was so kind of unexciting and maybe those are worth writing down. For me, anyway. I miss writing basically, I miss typing away my stream of consciousness and without sounding like an absolute tuna and cheese melt, letting it all flooooooooow out of me. In a sometimes very grey and overwhelming London (more on this) even just starting this feels quite cathartic. So I’ve decided to do a blog every day. Forever. No I’m kidding, but maybe Lil Spills will pop up every so often, even if it’s just for my own mind. I wonder if I could make a career out of self-indulgent blogging? 

So, it’s been 7ish weeks since I landed home. Not sure what everybody was harping on about with our Summer because the weather has honestly been an absolute pile of shit. I was in an absolute haze of joy for the first couple of weeks coming back so it took me a minute to reacclimatise to the grey. I find it frustrating that the weather affects my mood so much, I wish I loved the rain and found it ‘cosy’. I just find it incredibly limiting and pretty miserable actually. How am I going to try the one of 346,788 activities I have on my bucket list if it’s pissing it down?! 

Safe to say it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly it’s been a reminder that life doesn’t stop for you, or anyone for that matter, and something that felt so profoundly significant to me was obviously incredibly personal. Sonder (The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own). I’ve felt more connected to my friends in the last few weeks, possibly more than ever. As I’ve ridden the variety of emotions that have come up since getting back, I’ve felt incredibly loved and supported by those that know me (and tolerate me) the most. 

I don’t plan on writing what I’ve been up to everyday, frankly that’s fucking boring. Plus, absolutely no one gives a shit about that, including myself. But I think I’d like to get down some of the highs and lows, for no other purpose than it feels really lovely to write about the good stuff, and it feels bizarrely even nicer to write about the not so good stuff. 

I assume you’ve heard because EVERYBODY is talking about it, and if you’ve not heard about it then you’ve definitely read about it in the papers, but I’ve got a boyfriend guys. A real partner, a compadre, a confidant, a regular and consistent dick. I’m sure he wont mind me saying (he’s slowly getting used to how much I love to talk about feelings and my deep love for oversharing) that it’s been both absolutely gorgeous and stunning and full of joy, but also personally challenging at times. As people go, he’s petty fault-less, so when I say challenging I mean more in terms of re-finding where I fit in a relationship, as oppose to him. He’s pretty fucking great. Although I don’t think he’s subscribed to my blog yet so that’s a huge red flag. There’s something equally beautiful and terrifying about depending (even just slightly) on somebody else, and definitely something that I am taking my time with, or at least trying to. I can’t work out if it’s my need for control and to want to know the outcome of every situation, but the concept of something really lovely ending is actually quite awful and it sort of feels like unavoidable pain and heartbreak?! I think the tendency to want to know how something will pan out can absolutely take away from living in the moment, and as Maraid told me over the weekend, you risk totally spoiling it. We’ve had some really lovely moments together over the last few weeks, I’d totally forgotten how lovely it is to have someone to do romantic things with, it’s a different feeling hanging out with someone you’re in love with and even just having a pint with him kind of feels rose-tinted. We went to see Greentea Peng on Friday at a pub in Tulse Hill, and even that (she’s so cool and sexy) felt kind of elevated because you’re experiencing it with someone who makes you feel really fuzzy in your insides. I had a therapy session last week and we spoke alot about relationships, and being with someone, and the need to control, and what it would mean to just kind of sit still in something. I think I associate still-ness with being boring, and if I’m not looking towards something, or trying to improve something, then it feels like something isn’t right. Which as you can imagine is kind of problematic when it comes to being with someone, because the fun of it is meant to be slumping into it, so to speak. I don’t think that’s to say that things don’t ever need to be worked on, or figured out, but I guess looking ahead all the time is a bit shit to be honest, for both parties. I think it’s been a lesson in effectively making things less about me, which is absolutely what I need. 

In other news, Maraid and I want to make a podcast. This idea has been torn apart by a few people (you know who you are), but fuck the haters because the world definitely needs two more middle-class white girls making a podcast. RIGHT GUYS? On one of our ramblings (stick with me) through the countryside over the weekend we came up with THE idea… THE concept. ‘Ramblings’. The name needs to be workshopped still, but the idea is that we record it while we walk, preferably through the countryside for noise cancellation purposes, but we basically ramble, while rambling. And my favourite bit… we have GUEST RAMBLERS. I just think it’s lovely, and fun, and really wholesome. On the topic of countryside, Maraid and I had the most beautiful weekend together. She’d been feeling a little down in the dumps, so I drove us into the sticks and we spent 24 hours basically enjoying the quiet together, drinking tea and sniffing that sweet sweet country air. On Sunday morning we did a 10km walk with a flask of coffee, her in her suitably country mum lewk of dungarees and a fleece. It’s amazing how after 15 years of friendship we still have so much to talk about. It was pretty wholesome when we’d been asked for directions from two guys at the beginning of the walk, figured out they were doing the same route as us but the other way around, and then bumped into them again mid way through and discovered they too were from London and wanted to escape the smog. Joking. It does kind of feel like lots of people are growing tired of the intensity of London. I have pangs of feeling so in love with London, but I do feel more than ever that I’m craving something smaller and far less hectic. I also just resent the business a little bit, should it really be that hard to find a pub garden to sit in on a Friday night? It’s obviously not just London that’s become so much more expensive aswell, in Buckinghamshire over the weekend Maraid and I could not get our head around how we’d spent £35 on a shop from Sainsbury’s that honestly consisted of about 10 items. We both decided it was because we’d chosen the tomatoes on the vine. Lessons learnt. 

Tonight I have queer Salsa with Ben, it’s our second time going. It’s so fun! One of the overriding feelings I’ve had since being home is the craving to find things to do that don’t involve sitting in a pub. I’d been wanting to try salsa for a while, and Ben was very keen, he too craving something a little different. It’s super upbeat, pushes you out of your comfort zone a little bit as your paired with various people and trying to follow the stops together. In the spirit of not looking too far ahead, I’m going to stick with the beginners sessions for a while before I hopefully make my way up to improvers, and then guys…. Intermediate. I’m also desperate to get myself a pair of like clippy (not sure how else to describe the sound) heels, but I think I’ll wait, mostly because I’d look like such a teacher’s pet if I was to turn up to a beginners session in heels when everyone there is wearing jeans and trainers. AAAREEEBA.